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Being Happy Builds Character

Motivation: coping with anxiety

Crippling anxiety is a very interesting thing to deal with. There are times when I get so anxious that I am too afraid to leave the house. Which is totally rational, let me tell you!

arrested-development-lucille-sure

So when I don’t have work, or any other motivation to get me out the door, my mornings go a little like this:

If I have work or something then I have something to focus on. I have something to get ready for. Without that though… For example, simply getting dressed can be almost impossible! It feels like living in a dream in which you are trying desperately to run but you’re in quicksand, your legs are too heavy, they just won’t run, and your adversary is quickly overtaking over taking you

There are times when I find myself sitting on the floor of my room for what can be 5 minutes to a half hour, and if I’m on my phone, it can go on for hours.

Jack, frozen; THE SHINING

kinda like this!

So, I’m figuring out that the key is motivation! Motivation, and faith. Not necessarily religious faith, although that can be part of it, but mostly faith in myself. Faith that I can step out onto the small and precarious path that is my life, and my ambitions and that I will not fall.

On the Ted Radio hour, a reporter asked Philippe Petit about his “trees with character,” and he eloquently explained that as a Wire Walker he did want to walk from just any point A to just any point B. He wanted his points to have beauty, and character. I think that’s a great philosophy for life.

Now, in such a time conscious world, it is hard to ignore all that time that I have spent inadvertently working on my Jack Nicholson impression. But something I have to remind myself is that I am not wasting my time. That what I am struggling with is real. Anxiety is real, and what I am doing on those seemingly wasted days is developing grit.

So, now all I have to do is find my motivation, not just a daily motivation, but a reason to keep breathing and to keep going every second of every day. I used to think it was journalism, and cooking. Those have failed me. Then for a while I thought it was to please God… eh… I can’t be worried about what others think, even God – especially cause I couldn’t possibly comprehend how God sees me, although I’m sure if I did, NOTHING could get me down – I’ll work on that one.

My theory is that it has to be outward. That my motivation has to come from a desire to make the world better, to make others’ lives better.

Let’s move some mountains.

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